I use to make the joke that I never let my schooling get in the way of my education but I’ve decided to do some college level classes so I can get experience in working with laboratory work. I’ve mentioned it to several people such as my therapist and psych both encouraged me to go ahead with such a plan. (You gotta be careful what you tell so that they don’t snitch on you.) I didn’t have to explain exactly why I wanted to do more education, everyone already knows I love learning.

The main classes I want to take are biology related and the ones necessary to move forward in that area. I figured a community college would be good and there is one locally so yay for me. I’ve started the application process. The extent of the application process is a lot more involved than I had realized. I don’t like the idea of the extra classes I’m supposed to get, I think it might take away from what is important. What I am really looking forward to is the ability to do work in a lab with equipment I don’t have and only partially understand.

I don’t know how I’m going to pay for things but I’ve never had to look far for that. Every one of my friends seem to be happy to be given loans without any real collateral so, sounds good right? Paying them back isn’t my concern if I am a success. So tonight, I will do something that will always get results and pray. I will pray for the knowledge to perform the desires of our Lord.

Church Happenings

I’ve been faithfully (Get it?) participating in church events that Pastor Monroe has been inviting me to. Having somewhere to go and something to do is helping my depression a lot and allowed me to be more motivated in my activities. I’ve been applying myself and using tips and tricks on how to read and get along with people and act interested in them. Doing this gives me amazing results, all I have to do is nod at the right time or ask the right kind of question and they just spill out whatever they think I might enjoy hearing and I always act like I enjoy it. I get along with everyone this way and they call me a friend but really in the end they don’t know shit about me that I don’t let them know. In fact this has gotten me involved in some church drama.

Its not really drama just, I’m getting involved in things I didn’t know I would be. You see, Pastor Monroe has been telling me about his desire to start his own church. He claims he has some disagreements with the current church leadership. Nothing bad or big just differences in how to preach the word of God. Automatically I acted interested and encouraged him to follow his dreams and that I would even help him if he did. I don’t know if I really will be but I was trying to be nice. I mean I kind of mean it, he considers me a friend so I think he can be useful if he has his own church.

When you don’t question someone, they tend to think you agree with them. One must be mindful of this however. If you don’t say no you can get signed up for things you don’t want to. Sometimes you might even need to reassure them that it is indeed okay to keep sharing but you don’t want to force or push it, that is never good. After someone has confided in you enough, you can manipulate and push their ideas and concepts any way you want. You want to make sure that you encourage enough healthy ones that you can still pull off the really mean ones. I like to think I am an enabler; I like to help facilitate people’s goals and fantasies. I use to do whatever was fun until I started getting in trouble. (Thanks to meds tho I know when I can get away with it!) I think my new goal will be, helping Pastor Monroe in guiding this dream of his. I will need the support of a community and connections that would be hard to get without the legitimacy of a church to help fund my plots. So as long as I keep up appearances no one should suspect anything.

Thursday morning.

Last night was amazing. I got to meet a lot more people than I had at the Sunday services. It was a lot more laid back and relaxed. I was able to talk to some people my age and it was cool. I think I made some friends. I am glad that I went because for several weeks I have been asked to go and I decided to do it last night. It took a lot of my energy and effort to push past my anxiety to try and attempt socializing. I didn’t have to work hard at attempting to mingle as I think everyone fascinated by chance to meet a new face. It was nerve racking yet stimulating.

Still I was nervous. I do well at verbalizing hello and hi and how are you and talking about the finer points of the current happenings of the weather while expressing genuine interest. I did what most shy people do and that is just nod and smile and listen. However, before long I was talking to several people and being introduced to others while being able to discuss interesting topics. This continued until I think I met everyone at the event, a total of maybe about fifteen or twenty people, it is hard to say because people came and went throughout the night.

For some reason I think I’m starting to realize that the people at these gatherings think a lot like I do. Except I think some of them are not quite serious about some of what they preach; others are however. I got to talk to the leader of the church event and I think me and him see eye to eye on a lot of things. He also feels that there are too many people who talk a big talk but do not walk the walk, just like what I sense in nearly everyone I interact with. Sometimes I feel bad because I respect those who are erroneous yet stand up for their position while those who are correct overlook any sort of responsibility to educate the ignorant souls that pass in and out of their weak lives.

The pastor who runs the Wednesday meetings is Pastor Monroe, or just Joseph as that is his first name. He seems laid back about things while not cutting corners on following doctrine. His insightfulness is amazing and on par with my own. I think the most amazing thing is he makes me feel energetic, something I have not felt since before I was put on medications for my moods. I must spend more time talking, listening and studying the wisdom imparted on me. Nothing is more exciting than discovering something new and I look forward to being able to learn

Every day I try hard to live and think correctly, In action and in thought. Acting good is a good thing but having impure thoughts is a sin of its own. If only I could read minds then I would know the sinners who hide among us. People pick and choose what they believe like it is a burger from BK made your way. Most everyone I know is this way, they will say they believe in X and will stand up for X but instead will just do Y and cower in the corner and not admit to you what they did. If you do bring it up with them sometimes they might insult you or make you feel bad.

Going forward I think that I will volunteer more time with the church. My therapist and family members seem to encourage it and I need to look good in their eyes right now. Sometimes I worry a lot about how it looks to others. I got to be able to fit in or else I won’t be able to participate in this society that I live in. Someday it won’t be their society I live in but my society that they live in.

Saturday morning

My grandparents invited me to church tomorrow. With everything related to my hospitalization and legal troubles they thought that I needed some Jesus. I must admit that I was hesitant at first to go but I think it would look good to my probation officer.

A few weeks ago, I was having a pretty bad time and everyone decided to gang up on me and got me arrested. I then got blackmailed into being forced to take these horrible psych drugs that I have decided sucks. I even got to report every week and do tests to make sure drugs are still in my system. I really didn’t want to go to prison so I just gave in to what everyone told me to do. My grandparents offered to let me be their responsibility since no one else wanted to say that I could come back to their place if I was released. I think I upset them too much with what happened.

I decided that I didn’t need the friends that turned on me or my parents that disowned me. I’ve always had a great relationship with my grandparents and I think they probably felt sorry for me. I’m going to try and do right by them as they seem to actually care. These meds make me kind of a zombie. Soon I’ll figure out a way around the tests. I hate being afraid, so I guess I’ll have to go to church. I will post something tomorrow about how it went.

Sunday morning

Church services were a lot more tolerable than I had expected. Still a little typical when it comes to Baptists. I didn’t think that there would even be much to talk about except I met a couple of really interesting people there who invited me to some other church events.

The church is a decent size with room for about 600-700 people. It is one of the larger churches in the small town that I am in as nearly everyone goes to this one. I met a few people who I seemed to get along with as they invited me to visit one of their midweek events. I am hesitant to go but my grandparents are encouraging me, they tell me that it’ll help with my isolation. I don’t think I isolate that badly but they say I need friends. I’ve lost a lot of my friends lately. I use the word friends lightly here because they really weren’t my friends. They got me in serious trouble by using my words against me.

I guess the last few weeks have made me think a lot about how important it is to have people I get along with. Too much of my life I’ve had to fight with people who think way differently than me. I guess its every important person’s curse to experience this at sometime in their life. I didn’t know yesterday if I wanted to go to church today and now I am feeling the same about Wednesday.

I must run simulations and cost / effect ratios on the most efficient method available to me. I am running on a tight budget. Until I can promo the idea more at least and find a sponsor I’ll need the best ROI I can get.

I believe in open source so I want to document some of the interesting, hard and not well documented domestic terrorism tactics. I wont hold back on technical details so if you aren’t into the inner workings this may not be for you, if you are into that, then welcome. I hope you make the info here yours.

Nuclear options are expensive. Warheads cost like $200 million. I can’t afford that. Chemical weapons are possible. I’ll need to research the precursor and equipment costs, but I doubt its 200 million. Poisons might be a good way, cyanide is easy to get, but hard to deliver over a large area. I suppose I could poison bottled water.

I need something with some serious terror in it. Something lasting. I think it’ll have to be bioweapons. Bioweapons spread on their own once released into the wild. Hrm, yes, this is a good idea. It could be a type of cleansing. How accurate could I get it? I don’t really want to make the ‘weapon’ specific.

A hobby of mine has always been biology. But for this I think I would need to go to school and do some studying. So I guess here is the first step.

Step 1

• Get Money.
• Go to college.
• Get more money.
• Construct clandestine lab.

This should be enough for step 1. It’ll take a while to build a lab, and while I do that I might as well be in school. I downloaded a few biology e-books. Maybe my next post will be a book review on good starter material once I do a little bit of reading and can do some reviews.

Step 2

• Study.

I don’t know what goes after this, maybe someone can help me. I wish I could create a montage and just complete this real quick and go to what will probably be step 37. Thirty seven is a magical number. If I get to that many steps I will know in my mind and soul that the lord wants me to shed blood in the name of Christ. Amen.

I think what got me interested in the possibilities of bioweapons in the first place was reading the book Biohazard: The Chilling True Story of the Largest Covert Biological Weapons Program in the World–Told from the Inside by the Man Who Ran It by Ken Alibek. That lead me to study to other facilities such as Lab 257 by Michael C. Carroll.

Then who could forget about outbreaks of dangerous viruses such as Ebola or Marburg? Richard Preston wrote a great book titled Panic in Level 4. Of course Richard Preston also wrote a lovely book touching on the 2001 Anthrax attacks called The Demon in the Freezer, an attack that is still unsolved. This is probably the most recent example of bioterror that Americans are particularly aware of. It is extremely hard to tell where diseases come from even if you know the exact strain. Mostly because the differences in weaponizing between countries is less than most are aware of. You can evolve the same traits from the same source genes if they happen to be only a few steps away and you reproduce the experiments, or better yet, if you get ahold of the enemies’ weapon you can then yourself have the same weapon.

The bioweapons world is a small clique and if I have any chance of getting in I will have to make some friends, socialize… etc. I want to destroy the world but I think the more I do research the more I think this might be a valid career opportunity that could keep me well to do if I find the right people. I’ll just need to make sure I have an insurance policy.

In Lab 257 the author explains how the official story of the purpose of the facility was to do research on infectious animal disease. They did indeed do a lot of that sort of research, but not just for prevention but for offense. Russian bioweapon programs focused on direct attacks at humans while American bioweapons programs had a large focus on agriculture. If you infect the food supply then everyone dies. Or the animals all die and then if anyone wants to live they have to buy food from you. I think this is much more of a capitalist idea than rather just killing you out right and stealing everything you have. The book Spillover explains how easy it would be for a virus to become strong and spread before detection among wildlife unchecked, much like how SARS or Zika spread for years before it was fully understood. Zika spread so fast that it was places no one thought to even check for it.

Idealy a virus would be hard to detect, it would have to have a long incubation time until it caused major issues, something hard to treat. The book The Great Influenza by John M. Barry explains about one of the deadliest outbreaks which happened in 1918 at the height of WWI. There are a lot of books on this subject, enough to fill a good sized part of your e-book’s storage. These are just some of the ones I happen to like.