Thursday morning.

Last night was amazing. I got to meet a lot more people than I had at the Sunday services. It was a lot more laid back and relaxed. I was able to talk to some people my age and it was cool. I think I made some friends. I am glad that I went because for several weeks I have been asked to go and I decided to do it last night. It took a lot of my energy and effort to push past my anxiety to try and attempt socializing. I didn’t have to work hard at attempting to mingle as I think everyone fascinated by chance to meet a new face. It was nerve racking yet stimulating.

Still I was nervous. I do well at verbalizing hello and hi and how are you and talking about the finer points of the current happenings of the weather while expressing genuine interest. I did what most shy people do and that is just nod and smile and listen. However, before long I was talking to several people and being introduced to others while being able to discuss interesting topics. This continued until I think I met everyone at the event, a total of maybe about fifteen or twenty people, it is hard to say because people came and went throughout the night.

For some reason I think I’m starting to realize that the people at these gatherings think a lot like I do. Except I think some of them are not quite serious about some of what they preach; others are however. I got to talk to the leader of the church event and I think me and him see eye to eye on a lot of things. He also feels that there are too many people who talk a big talk but do not walk the walk, just like what I sense in nearly everyone I interact with. Sometimes I feel bad because I respect those who are erroneous yet stand up for their position while those who are correct overlook any sort of responsibility to educate the ignorant souls that pass in and out of their weak lives.

The pastor who runs the Wednesday meetings is Pastor Monroe, or just Joseph as that is his first name. He seems laid back about things while not cutting corners on following doctrine. His insightfulness is amazing and on par with my own. I think the most amazing thing is he makes me feel energetic, something I have not felt since before I was put on medications for my moods. I must spend more time talking, listening and studying the wisdom imparted on me. Nothing is more exciting than discovering something new and I look forward to being able to learn

Every day I try hard to live and think correctly, In action and in thought. Acting good is a good thing but having impure thoughts is a sin of its own. If only I could read minds then I would know the sinners who hide among us. People pick and choose what they believe like it is a burger from BK made your way. Most everyone I know is this way, they will say they believe in X and will stand up for X but instead will just do Y and cower in the corner and not admit to you what they did. If you do bring it up with them sometimes they might insult you or make you feel bad.

Going forward I think that I will volunteer more time with the church. My therapist and family members seem to encourage it and I need to look good in their eyes right now. Sometimes I worry a lot about how it looks to others. I got to be able to fit in or else I won’t be able to participate in this society that I live in. Someday it won’t be their society I live in but my society that they live in.

Saturday morning

My grandparents invited me to church tomorrow. With everything related to my hospitalization and legal troubles they thought that I needed some Jesus. I must admit that I was hesitant at first to go but I think it would look good to my probation officer.

A few weeks ago, I was having a pretty bad time and everyone decided to gang up on me and got me arrested. I then got blackmailed into being forced to take these horrible psych drugs that I have decided sucks. I even got to report every week and do tests to make sure drugs are still in my system. I really didn’t want to go to prison so I just gave in to what everyone told me to do. My grandparents offered to let me be their responsibility since no one else wanted to say that I could come back to their place if I was released. I think I upset them too much with what happened.

I decided that I didn’t need the friends that turned on me or my parents that disowned me. I’ve always had a great relationship with my grandparents and I think they probably felt sorry for me. I’m going to try and do right by them as they seem to actually care. These meds make me kind of a zombie. Soon I’ll figure out a way around the tests. I hate being afraid, so I guess I’ll have to go to church. I will post something tomorrow about how it went.

Sunday morning

Church services were a lot more tolerable than I had expected. Still a little typical when it comes to Baptists. I didn’t think that there would even be much to talk about except I met a couple of really interesting people there who invited me to some other church events.

The church is a decent size with room for about 600-700 people. It is one of the larger churches in the small town that I am in as nearly everyone goes to this one. I met a few people who I seemed to get along with as they invited me to visit one of their midweek events. I am hesitant to go but my grandparents are encouraging me, they tell me that it’ll help with my isolation. I don’t think I isolate that badly but they say I need friends. I’ve lost a lot of my friends lately. I use the word friends lightly here because they really weren’t my friends. They got me in serious trouble by using my words against me.

I guess the last few weeks have made me think a lot about how important it is to have people I get along with. Too much of my life I’ve had to fight with people who think way differently than me. I guess its every important person’s curse to experience this at sometime in their life. I didn’t know yesterday if I wanted to go to church today and now I am feeling the same about Wednesday.