August 2, 2018

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Thursday morning.

Last night was amazing. I got to meet a lot more people than I had at the Sunday services. It was a lot more laid back and relaxed. I was able to talk to some people my age and it was cool. I think I made some friends. I am glad that I went because for several weeks I have been asked to go and I decided to do it last night. It took a lot of my energy and effort to push past my anxiety to try and attempt socializing. I didn’t have to work hard at attempting to mingle as I think everyone fascinated by chance to meet a new face. It was nerve racking yet stimulating.

Still I was nervous. I do well at verbalizing hello and hi and how are you and talking about the finer points of the current happenings of the weather while expressing genuine interest. I did what most shy people do and that is just nod and smile and listen. However, before long I was talking to several people and being introduced to others while being able to discuss interesting topics. This continued until I think I met everyone at the event, a total of maybe about fifteen or twenty people, it is hard to say because people came and went throughout the night.

For some reason I think I’m starting to realize that the people at these gatherings think a lot like I do. Except I think some of them are not quite serious about some of what they preach; others are however. I got to talk to the leader of the church event and I think me and him see eye to eye on a lot of things. He also feels that there are too many people who talk a big talk but do not walk the walk, just like what I sense in nearly everyone I interact with. Sometimes I feel bad because I respect those who are erroneous yet stand up for their position while those who are correct overlook any sort of responsibility to educate the ignorant souls that pass in and out of their weak lives.

The pastor who runs the Wednesday meetings is Pastor Monroe, or just Joseph as that is his first name. He seems laid back about things while not cutting corners on following doctrine. His insightfulness is amazing and on par with my own. I think the most amazing thing is he makes me feel energetic, something I have not felt since before I was put on medications for my moods. I must spend more time talking, listening and studying the wisdom imparted on me. Nothing is more exciting than discovering something new and I look forward to being able to learn

Every day I try hard to live and think correctly, In action and in thought. Acting good is a good thing but having impure thoughts is a sin of its own. If only I could read minds then I would know the sinners who hide among us. People pick and choose what they believe like it is a burger from BK made your way. Most everyone I know is this way, they will say they believe in X and will stand up for X but instead will just do Y and cower in the corner and not admit to you what they did. If you do bring it up with them sometimes they might insult you or make you feel bad.

Going forward I think that I will volunteer more time with the church. My therapist and family members seem to encourage it and I need to look good in their eyes right now. Sometimes I worry a lot about how it looks to others. I got to be able to fit in or else I won’t be able to participate in this society that I live in. Someday it won’t be their society I live in but my society that they live in.

© 2018